Jawbreaker-Chesterfield King- I almost don't want to comment on this song. This was the song that made a Jawbreaker fan until they bury me. The whole song, and the entire story it tells probably happened to me about six quadrillion times. Still does. If you don't know (obviously you're an asshole), the song is about what happens when you don't make a move. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. It's about that shit your mind does when you leave a room and you know you should've done more. My favorite part of the song to be totally honest though, is when the character in the song goes to the convenience store and hangs out in the parking lot. In perfect detail you can totally visualize the toothless woman that stops and asks for a cigarette. You can almost see that our protagonist is going "fuck this is the last thing I need". I love that. Jawbreaker is notorious for that shit. The little details you think about when the big shit happens. The stuff you notice. That's reality. Jawbreaker sang songs about stuff they knew. Nothing more authentic than that.
NOFX- Liza and Louise- Now for something totally different. And really immature and crass. The song is about a chick who steals her boyfriend's car and then goes to the city. Where she meets Louise. And the song turns into Penthouse Letters. And it's really funny. That's it. I love singing it in the car. The end.
Ozma- Natalie Portman- Hahaha. This is a bit of an obscure one I think. The other stuff maybe you heard of. This one probably not. If you know the lyrics to this song then you get the little inside joke I just typed. The song is titled "Natalie Portman" who many people know is the ONLY celebrity I would marry. But that's not why I love the song. No. It's about ANY girl. It's about looking at some girl from far away and going "this girl wouldn't touch me to smack me". And just when you think THAT'S all the song is about, he goes "If I'm a proper Jewish boy...would her family love me?". Suddenly the song IS about Natalie Portman. I can totally relate to that. A lot of people who know of this band call them the poor man's Weezer. I can see that. They right dorky powerpop songs about girls. If that's a poor man's Weezer then everyone of these new "indie rock but really we are corporate rock wannabe's that want to be featured in the new Michael Cera movie" bands is a poor man's Weezer.
Shai Hulud- A Profound Hatred of Man- Yeah. Shit just got real. I will hurt you if you're within three feet of me while this song is playing. Just sayin'. I won't mean to do it. But I go a little nuts whenever I hear it. There's not much to say here other than if you want REAL metallic hardcore with true heart and substance, this should be your favorite band too.
Jawbreaker- Kiss the Bottle- Yeah two Jawbreaker entries. Deal with it. Who hasn't been in this situation? I should've, but I got too drunk. Yeah. I don't think I even need to say anything else. But I will. Blake Schwartzbach again describes every single detail. It's like a blueprint for personal failure that despite my best efforts I seem to follow to a tee. Shit happens I guess. Worship this song.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Best Fucking Songs Ever Part I: A list of things you should listen to. But don't.
It has been many many moons since we found ourselves here in the hallowed halls of Rag Rants. I've been busy ya know? So I've been thinking a lot about music these days and I gotta say, everything sucks. I don't like the new "indie rock". I tried to. But I just don't like it. Way too pretentious for its own good. So that means I pretty much hate a lot of what you probably like. You have shitty taste. So I thought, I am usually pretty vocal about the stuff I hate. What about the stuff I like? Well, I have decided to list a bunch of songs that I think are the greatest songs ever. Note: I said what "I" think. That means only my opinion is going to count here. I don't care if you agree (although you should if you were cool). So. Here it is. In no particular order.
Joy Division- Love Will Tear Us Apart- So what if I start with some melancholia? Many songs on here I can sing along to. This one I can, but do not. It is way too morose for that sort of thing. Basically the last song Ian Curtis wrote before he killed himself, it's about failing relationships and basically falling apart. You know as you listen to the song that there is no happy ending. There is no getting the girl back. The song basically says life's a bitch and so was she, but with much better vocabulary usage and symbolism. When this song comes on, I have to pause whatever I'm doing until its over. I don't know why. Admittedly, nothing like what the song describes has ever really happened to me. Not to that level of intensity anyway. Still, it'll hit ya like Charlie Sheen hits porn stars.
Black Flag- Police Story- Our first of many Black Flag entries. This song is a pissed off train wreck. This song, like the one above, was written a little bit before I was born but I can only imagine what people hearing it for the first time ever must have thought. It's as relevant now as it ever was, but if I could build a time machine I'd send myself to 1980 just to hear this song live. I'm sure I would go home bleeding and sweaty, but shit I would be happy. Now granted, no cops have ever really done anything terrible to me, but I get it. I totally understand what they're saying. True story: one day I decided to listen to the entire "Damaged" album which has Henry Rollins' version of the song while driving to the supermarket. This was about three years ago maybe more. As "Police Story" came on, I suddenly became aware that a cop was pulling me over. Right as Rollins was yelling how much he hates them. Totally fucked. Also, if you are a fan of the Flag it's generally a terrible idea to listen to them while driving.
Weezer- Across the Sea- One of my favorite songs off of the nerdiest album ever written. It's also possibly the most messed up. Taken literally, it's about our hero Rivers Cuomo imagining getting together with a schoolgirl from Japan and how she touches herself at night. Yes I know. This sounds sick. But if you choose to be a rational human being and take the song for what it really is, which is an ode to not getting the one you want because there is a barrier you can't break, like a "sea", then it takes on a whole new meaning. This is the meaning I get out of the song. I think this is what the intended meaning was, although the song kind of descends into a peeping tom madness. I will admit that I go a little nuts when this comes on the IPizzle. You may see me wailing "Why areeeeeeee yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu soooooooooo far awaaaaaaaaaay from meeeeeeeeeeeee?" very loudly while driving on occasion. You may see me get a weird smile on my face when I sing the really creepy part, or the beginning "You are 18 year old girl who live in small city in Japan". Like I'm not really singing the lyrics but something else entirely. Like I'm remembering something that happened one time while this song was playing, or someone. Ya never know and I'm not fucking telling. Wait till we get to other songs on "Pinkerton".
The Smiths- Girlfriend in a Coma- Mozzer and the boys are gonna be on here a lot. Deal with it. This may almost be my favorite Smiths song. It's so simple yet so great. Basically it's this really sarcastic song about a girlfriend in a coma. I'm serious. The whole song Morrissey is almost hoping his girlfriend doesn't ever wake up. I read somewhere that the song is actually sort of an homage to those tragic 1960's death songs like "Leader of the Pack" or "Dead Man's Curve". Shit like that. The twist in the song being that The Moz is remembering all of their worst arguments and how he could've strangled her himself. It's because of this that I choose to interpret the song as a not too thinly veiled "I don't like the girl I'm with" song. You can almost hear him asking the doctor in the line "Do you really think she'll pull through?" Like almost like he's saying, really? are you sure? how about I give you five bucks so she doesn't wake up for a while? No? He's telling us all how serious it is, like he's guilty that maybe he should care more. It's a really morbid song if you think about it, but in a sort of humorous way. I know that doesn't make sense but fuck you I write what I want.
Dead Kennedys- When Ya Get Drafted- This song has a sort of special significance for me. It was the first real punk rock song I ever heard. It completely changed my life (or ruined it depending how you look at it). There was no turning back after this. I could never love regular radio rock again. Everything else just seemed so...I dunno "Safe" after that. There was something about that song that made me almost look around my room to make sure my mom wasn't around. Like I was going to get in trouble just for listening to this. From the anti-war lyrics to the sick, scary solo at the end, this is not a song to fuck with. Jello Biafra was never one to mince words with his lyrics, this is no exception. Instead of insinuating that maybe, perhaps corporations are the reason we fight wars with deft poetry or metaphors, he flat out says "What big business wants/big business gets/it wants a war". Boom. Just like that. Nothing is open for interpretation. The cards are laid out on the table. Play at your own risk. What it did to me was make me a lifer. Everything I listened to since (even my death metal period...don't ask) had a punk rock base. I instantly knew that I was dipping my big toe into a scary body of water. There's no getting out. Nothing I have heard since that day has been so life altering. You should let it happen to you too.
Saves The Day- At Your Funeral- I want to get this out of the way now. I hate the term "emo". I think it's a stupid nonsense word made up by stupid nonsense media people. That being said, I know that many consider this song to be "very emo". Whatever the fuck that means. This song is a constant in the rotation, just like the rest of the album it comes from. In a way, it's very much like the aforementioned "Girlfriend in a Coma". It's pretty much about a dude celebrating the day when the harlot that ruined his life croaks. I mean "at your funeral/ I will sing the requiem" or how about "lay me on the dinner table/I will be the pig/the apple in my mouth the food to celebrate your end". It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings I guess. Either way, this was the song I used to tell people I hated when I was younger. I really didn't want to love this song as much as I did, and still do. Sometimes I still hate myself for loving it but I do and there is no denying that. I was too cool. Yet I wasn't cool at all. Cool people don't even know about this song much less have that kind of emotional response to it. Much less pretend to hate it just to maintain some sort of fake credibility that doesn't exist in the first place. I have been known to go apeshit when seeing this song played live, or when it plays on the shuffle. I know every word, drum fill, and vocal tic. I know every high and low. Sometimes I even hum the parts that got messed up on the old tape I used to have of this album. Messed up because I played the tape in my car about 7 billion times a week. More on that later.
This concludes part one of the series. Keep reading.
Joy Division- Love Will Tear Us Apart- So what if I start with some melancholia? Many songs on here I can sing along to. This one I can, but do not. It is way too morose for that sort of thing. Basically the last song Ian Curtis wrote before he killed himself, it's about failing relationships and basically falling apart. You know as you listen to the song that there is no happy ending. There is no getting the girl back. The song basically says life's a bitch and so was she, but with much better vocabulary usage and symbolism. When this song comes on, I have to pause whatever I'm doing until its over. I don't know why. Admittedly, nothing like what the song describes has ever really happened to me. Not to that level of intensity anyway. Still, it'll hit ya like Charlie Sheen hits porn stars.
Black Flag- Police Story- Our first of many Black Flag entries. This song is a pissed off train wreck. This song, like the one above, was written a little bit before I was born but I can only imagine what people hearing it for the first time ever must have thought. It's as relevant now as it ever was, but if I could build a time machine I'd send myself to 1980 just to hear this song live. I'm sure I would go home bleeding and sweaty, but shit I would be happy. Now granted, no cops have ever really done anything terrible to me, but I get it. I totally understand what they're saying. True story: one day I decided to listen to the entire "Damaged" album which has Henry Rollins' version of the song while driving to the supermarket. This was about three years ago maybe more. As "Police Story" came on, I suddenly became aware that a cop was pulling me over. Right as Rollins was yelling how much he hates them. Totally fucked. Also, if you are a fan of the Flag it's generally a terrible idea to listen to them while driving.
Weezer- Across the Sea- One of my favorite songs off of the nerdiest album ever written. It's also possibly the most messed up. Taken literally, it's about our hero Rivers Cuomo imagining getting together with a schoolgirl from Japan and how she touches herself at night. Yes I know. This sounds sick. But if you choose to be a rational human being and take the song for what it really is, which is an ode to not getting the one you want because there is a barrier you can't break, like a "sea", then it takes on a whole new meaning. This is the meaning I get out of the song. I think this is what the intended meaning was, although the song kind of descends into a peeping tom madness. I will admit that I go a little nuts when this comes on the IPizzle. You may see me wailing "Why areeeeeeee yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu soooooooooo far awaaaaaaaaaay from meeeeeeeeeeeee?" very loudly while driving on occasion. You may see me get a weird smile on my face when I sing the really creepy part, or the beginning "You are 18 year old girl who live in small city in Japan". Like I'm not really singing the lyrics but something else entirely. Like I'm remembering something that happened one time while this song was playing, or someone. Ya never know and I'm not fucking telling. Wait till we get to other songs on "Pinkerton".
The Smiths- Girlfriend in a Coma- Mozzer and the boys are gonna be on here a lot. Deal with it. This may almost be my favorite Smiths song. It's so simple yet so great. Basically it's this really sarcastic song about a girlfriend in a coma. I'm serious. The whole song Morrissey is almost hoping his girlfriend doesn't ever wake up. I read somewhere that the song is actually sort of an homage to those tragic 1960's death songs like "Leader of the Pack" or "Dead Man's Curve". Shit like that. The twist in the song being that The Moz is remembering all of their worst arguments and how he could've strangled her himself. It's because of this that I choose to interpret the song as a not too thinly veiled "I don't like the girl I'm with" song. You can almost hear him asking the doctor in the line "Do you really think she'll pull through?" Like almost like he's saying, really? are you sure? how about I give you five bucks so she doesn't wake up for a while? No? He's telling us all how serious it is, like he's guilty that maybe he should care more. It's a really morbid song if you think about it, but in a sort of humorous way. I know that doesn't make sense but fuck you I write what I want.
Dead Kennedys- When Ya Get Drafted- This song has a sort of special significance for me. It was the first real punk rock song I ever heard. It completely changed my life (or ruined it depending how you look at it). There was no turning back after this. I could never love regular radio rock again. Everything else just seemed so...I dunno "Safe" after that. There was something about that song that made me almost look around my room to make sure my mom wasn't around. Like I was going to get in trouble just for listening to this. From the anti-war lyrics to the sick, scary solo at the end, this is not a song to fuck with. Jello Biafra was never one to mince words with his lyrics, this is no exception. Instead of insinuating that maybe, perhaps corporations are the reason we fight wars with deft poetry or metaphors, he flat out says "What big business wants/big business gets/it wants a war". Boom. Just like that. Nothing is open for interpretation. The cards are laid out on the table. Play at your own risk. What it did to me was make me a lifer. Everything I listened to since (even my death metal period...don't ask) had a punk rock base. I instantly knew that I was dipping my big toe into a scary body of water. There's no getting out. Nothing I have heard since that day has been so life altering. You should let it happen to you too.
Saves The Day- At Your Funeral- I want to get this out of the way now. I hate the term "emo". I think it's a stupid nonsense word made up by stupid nonsense media people. That being said, I know that many consider this song to be "very emo". Whatever the fuck that means. This song is a constant in the rotation, just like the rest of the album it comes from. In a way, it's very much like the aforementioned "Girlfriend in a Coma". It's pretty much about a dude celebrating the day when the harlot that ruined his life croaks. I mean "at your funeral/ I will sing the requiem" or how about "lay me on the dinner table/I will be the pig/the apple in my mouth the food to celebrate your end". It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings I guess. Either way, this was the song I used to tell people I hated when I was younger. I really didn't want to love this song as much as I did, and still do. Sometimes I still hate myself for loving it but I do and there is no denying that. I was too cool. Yet I wasn't cool at all. Cool people don't even know about this song much less have that kind of emotional response to it. Much less pretend to hate it just to maintain some sort of fake credibility that doesn't exist in the first place. I have been known to go apeshit when seeing this song played live, or when it plays on the shuffle. I know every word, drum fill, and vocal tic. I know every high and low. Sometimes I even hum the parts that got messed up on the old tape I used to have of this album. Messed up because I played the tape in my car about 7 billion times a week. More on that later.
This concludes part one of the series. Keep reading.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The month in Rag
Well kids I have decided to grace the three or four people who read this with a brand spanking new post. This has been a busy month for all things unimportant and nonsensical. I think we'll break it down into a list or something. Here we go.
The World Cup- I love soccer. Fuck you if you don't. In fact, the only real reason people in this country hate soccer with the same passion as say, England, loves it is because most Americans can't fucking play soccer. There it is. I have heard more "soccer is gay" jokes this month than there are actual gay people. Basically, if we collectively suck at something as a nation, we instantly disregard it and call it names. Also, not to get off topic but, inanimate objects, sports, or situations are not "gay". Adjust your stupidity accordingly. Anyway, the United States national team for two minutes actually almost changed all of this. There was, for a brief little moment, hope that the US team could actually make a showing at the Cup. Nah. They tied and stumbled their way into the knockout stage and then shit the bed. I saw it coming. Same with England. Look for another post about this shit later.
Why the fuck did they remake Karate Kid?- I don't know. Also, why did they put Will "Oh Helllllllll no!" Smith's kid as the lead? And furthermore, I know this is just semantics to some people but what the little bastard spawn was doing was not karate but Chinese boxing or kung fu. How do I know? BECAUSE JACKIE FUCKING CHAN IS TEACHING HIM THIS IN THE TRAILER. What the fuck stop remaking my childhood.
New Ceremony album "Rohnert Park"- Is fucking awesome. It's like hearing "Damaged" for the first time.
New Gaslight album "American Slang"- You know it's good...but it's not great. Doesn't really thrill me not gonna lie.
I don't care about the Deftones. I know, blasphemy. But I don't. In fact a lot of people's favorite bands kinda suck out loud. Just sayin.
Also, American Recordings put out more Johnny Cash songs called "Ain't no Grave". It's gut wrenchingly awesome.
A word about the whole Lebron James thing- I will be totally honest, I hate the NBA. There is nothing worse than a bunch of disgustingly rich athletes in my opinion. Especially lazy rich athletes that prance around for an hour endlessly on a gym floor. Boring. Well AIDS is worse. African politics too I guess. But this is a blog about nonsense. I have decided to strike everything serious from any future writings here. SO for right now, the NBA is the worst thing ever. Lebron James is a perfect example of what's wrong in sports. The guy was drafted in after high school. Fucking high school. He didn't go to college, never actually had to work to get anywhere, and now he is on the most stacked team in all sports. I don't care that he didn't sign with the Knicks. I wouldn't watch anyway. The fact that the American media made such a huge deal about where he was going was the worst part about the whole thing. Really? Where this asshole goes is that important where the entire TV universe shuts down to hear this guy's prepared statements? How grateful he is to god and family and the billions of trillions of dollars he will make in endorsements and salary over the next 5 years? FUCK HIM.
IPhones are stupid. Apple has single-handedly turned us all into a bunch of Ritalin kids where brand new shiny things reign supreme. How bout we look up from our tiny little phone screens for two minutes and do something? Smart phones my ass.
Remember when kid's movies were good? These kids have nothing. Seriously we had The Sandlot, Little Giants, The Mighty Ducks. I can go on forever. What do kids have now? Vin Diesel? The Rock? Plus, and this a big plus, our cartoons were drawn by hand. That takes talent. Hollywood churns out this pixar bullshit almost daily. Kids have it rough.
I think I dislike most ed majors. Myself and a handful of others not included. Well no I kinda suck too.
Also I have been watching NetFlix movies all day. Later.
The World Cup- I love soccer. Fuck you if you don't. In fact, the only real reason people in this country hate soccer with the same passion as say, England, loves it is because most Americans can't fucking play soccer. There it is. I have heard more "soccer is gay" jokes this month than there are actual gay people. Basically, if we collectively suck at something as a nation, we instantly disregard it and call it names. Also, not to get off topic but, inanimate objects, sports, or situations are not "gay". Adjust your stupidity accordingly. Anyway, the United States national team for two minutes actually almost changed all of this. There was, for a brief little moment, hope that the US team could actually make a showing at the Cup. Nah. They tied and stumbled their way into the knockout stage and then shit the bed. I saw it coming. Same with England. Look for another post about this shit later.
Why the fuck did they remake Karate Kid?- I don't know. Also, why did they put Will "Oh Helllllllll no!" Smith's kid as the lead? And furthermore, I know this is just semantics to some people but what the little bastard spawn was doing was not karate but Chinese boxing or kung fu. How do I know? BECAUSE JACKIE FUCKING CHAN IS TEACHING HIM THIS IN THE TRAILER. What the fuck stop remaking my childhood.
New Ceremony album "Rohnert Park"- Is fucking awesome. It's like hearing "Damaged" for the first time.
New Gaslight album "American Slang"- You know it's good...but it's not great. Doesn't really thrill me not gonna lie.
I don't care about the Deftones. I know, blasphemy. But I don't. In fact a lot of people's favorite bands kinda suck out loud. Just sayin.
Also, American Recordings put out more Johnny Cash songs called "Ain't no Grave". It's gut wrenchingly awesome.
A word about the whole Lebron James thing- I will be totally honest, I hate the NBA. There is nothing worse than a bunch of disgustingly rich athletes in my opinion. Especially lazy rich athletes that prance around for an hour endlessly on a gym floor. Boring. Well AIDS is worse. African politics too I guess. But this is a blog about nonsense. I have decided to strike everything serious from any future writings here. SO for right now, the NBA is the worst thing ever. Lebron James is a perfect example of what's wrong in sports. The guy was drafted in after high school. Fucking high school. He didn't go to college, never actually had to work to get anywhere, and now he is on the most stacked team in all sports. I don't care that he didn't sign with the Knicks. I wouldn't watch anyway. The fact that the American media made such a huge deal about where he was going was the worst part about the whole thing. Really? Where this asshole goes is that important where the entire TV universe shuts down to hear this guy's prepared statements? How grateful he is to god and family and the billions of trillions of dollars he will make in endorsements and salary over the next 5 years? FUCK HIM.
IPhones are stupid. Apple has single-handedly turned us all into a bunch of Ritalin kids where brand new shiny things reign supreme. How bout we look up from our tiny little phone screens for two minutes and do something? Smart phones my ass.
Remember when kid's movies were good? These kids have nothing. Seriously we had The Sandlot, Little Giants, The Mighty Ducks. I can go on forever. What do kids have now? Vin Diesel? The Rock? Plus, and this a big plus, our cartoons were drawn by hand. That takes talent. Hollywood churns out this pixar bullshit almost daily. Kids have it rough.
I think I dislike most ed majors. Myself and a handful of others not included. Well no I kinda suck too.
Also I have been watching NetFlix movies all day. Later.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The All Out War show report
Well once again it has been a long time since I posted anything. Let's just say life got in the way of doing useless things. Well since I will have an abundance of time on my hands you will probably see a few more of these. Anyway, last night I went to a hardcore show of somewhat epic proportions. All Out War, a band I pretty much grew up with was playing a hometown show in Po-City. I had to go. I know Floor was playing in the city, but even if I had a choice I would still go to All Out War. The fact they were playing with Death Threat and No Redeeming Social Value was just a bonus. Here's the rundown.
1. Price of the show: an exorbitant $15.50. I would complain about this more but apparently the show was a benefit for some dude with cancer. So therefore I will save my usual "I hate capitalism at shows" rant for another time.
2. Local bands: a ton of locals played. They weren't that bad though actually. We had Problems, a band of kids I knew. My Only Escape, who played a Warzone cover so that was cool. Some terrible death metal band who sucked out loud until they played a Cro-Mags cover which was surprising and kind of cool. Hv Skum who always do something fucked up because they are fucked up kids.
3. To all locals, you play an old hardcore song I will instantly like you. Even if everything else you do eats it.
4. Beards: Enough. That's another reason I got rid of mine. Everyone has one. I have to be different.
5. Skinny jeans: No actually there really weren't. Thank god.
6. When I went to high school: girls didn't like punk rock.
7. Spider web elbow tattoos? Yes.
8. Spider on the neck tattoos? Yes.
9. Big Fat Old Dudes? Yes.
10. Big Fat Old Dudes bring their Big Fat Scary Girlfriends with flaming skull tattoos? Yes.
11. Did I mosh? Not really. Too many Big Fat Old Dudes with Spider Web elbows flying around for my comfort.
12. What the fuck moment: Did No Redeeming just throw a microwave into the pit? Yes. Yes they did.
13. Did this microwave hurt someone? I am going to say yeah just because of the amount of blood and glass on the floor afterwards. Yes I said blood on the floor.
14. No Redeeming Social Value? Dangerous and hilarious as predicted. I have never seen them live before this and I wasn't disappointed.
15. Death Threat: Played old songs, brought the ruckus, caused damage, and all that happy horse poopy.
16. All Out War: Seeing a band you grew up listening to is always kind of a great thing. But All Out War is different. They are a lot older, fatter, and slower than they used to be, but they still brought destruction and annihilation with them. It was brutal, it was heavy, and I was thrown around like an empty paper bag. Like I got smacked around pretty good. I haven't seen people fuck shit up like that in a really long time. Kids, Old Dudes, girls, everyone. I saw noses broken, bloody faces, everything I came to expect. They played their one really good album and that's it. I went nuts. So did everyone around me. Good times.
17. How the fuck: did I cut my leg?
1. Price of the show: an exorbitant $15.50. I would complain about this more but apparently the show was a benefit for some dude with cancer. So therefore I will save my usual "I hate capitalism at shows" rant for another time.
2. Local bands: a ton of locals played. They weren't that bad though actually. We had Problems, a band of kids I knew. My Only Escape, who played a Warzone cover so that was cool. Some terrible death metal band who sucked out loud until they played a Cro-Mags cover which was surprising and kind of cool. Hv Skum who always do something fucked up because they are fucked up kids.
3. To all locals, you play an old hardcore song I will instantly like you. Even if everything else you do eats it.
4. Beards: Enough. That's another reason I got rid of mine. Everyone has one. I have to be different.
5. Skinny jeans: No actually there really weren't. Thank god.
6. When I went to high school: girls didn't like punk rock.
7. Spider web elbow tattoos? Yes.
8. Spider on the neck tattoos? Yes.
9. Big Fat Old Dudes? Yes.
10. Big Fat Old Dudes bring their Big Fat Scary Girlfriends with flaming skull tattoos? Yes.
11. Did I mosh? Not really. Too many Big Fat Old Dudes with Spider Web elbows flying around for my comfort.
12. What the fuck moment: Did No Redeeming just throw a microwave into the pit? Yes. Yes they did.
13. Did this microwave hurt someone? I am going to say yeah just because of the amount of blood and glass on the floor afterwards. Yes I said blood on the floor.
14. No Redeeming Social Value? Dangerous and hilarious as predicted. I have never seen them live before this and I wasn't disappointed.
15. Death Threat: Played old songs, brought the ruckus, caused damage, and all that happy horse poopy.
16. All Out War: Seeing a band you grew up listening to is always kind of a great thing. But All Out War is different. They are a lot older, fatter, and slower than they used to be, but they still brought destruction and annihilation with them. It was brutal, it was heavy, and I was thrown around like an empty paper bag. Like I got smacked around pretty good. I haven't seen people fuck shit up like that in a really long time. Kids, Old Dudes, girls, everyone. I saw noses broken, bloody faces, everything I came to expect. They played their one really good album and that's it. I went nuts. So did everyone around me. Good times.
17. How the fuck: did I cut my leg?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Bamboozle: two weeks late
So for all three of you that read this thing, I'm sorry. I haven't posted shit on here in over a month. To be honest it's a bit tough when you actually have no time to devote to silly pursuits like a pointless blog about nothing. Anyway, down to business. I went to Bamboozle about two weeks ago. Even though after last year I swore I wouldn't. I am a liar. Here's the festival report.
Festival climate: Sub-tropical to fucking sub-Saharan Africa hot. It sucked.
Price of water: $4 in a fucking paper cup. Really? It's 1299489458473738292943847475 degrees outside and you can't offer water for free or at least cheap enough to buy? Honestly.
Price of beer: 10 fucking dollars.10 FUCKING DOLLARS. I don't think I need to go any further.
Girls: A quarter million.
Girls of age: 0
Total fucking dbag award: The very drunk (or maybe just stupid) guy who myself and everyone I was with collectively elbowed because he was going to extreme lengths to be a dbag. In fact he nearly ruined Saves the Day for everyone. Kids like this should be killed by pressing. Like Giles Corey.
Kids shouldn't: buy anything at Bamboozle. Especially t-shirts from bullshit clothing outfits that entice you to be a rebel and buy a shirt that says "fuck" on it.
Who the fuck is: Justin Bieber?
Number of concussions Erick Miller probably got from Bamboozle: 30
Sunblock: doesn't fucking work.
Kids should: look at themselves in a mirror for a second before leaving the house
Number of times I puked: once. It was awesome.
Best band: Minus the Bear
Best band runner up: Saves the Day
Best band second runner up: Piebald
Worst Band: Weezer. I would like to pause for a moment and comment on this if I could. It boggles my mind how bad Weezer is these days. Like they have plunged the depths of suck, boldly going where not even Metallica has gone before. They haven't put a decent album out since Green and not a good one since Pinkerton. Plus, the three old songs I heard them play they fucked up to unlistenable levels. Does Rivers Cuomo know this happens? Is he insane to the point where he thinks what he does is good, or is he doing this on purpose as some sort of ironic joke? Either way, Weezer suck woolly mammoth penis.
Worst band runner up: MGMT. How fucking boring can you be?
ADHD award: Girl Talk. Was that toilet paper?
By Sunday night Bamboozle resembled: an African refugee camp.
Do people: actually listen to half that shit?
In conclusion: The lineup was better than previous years but it was still a mess of corporate bullshit marketed for rebellion. By rebellion I mean angst your parents can drop you off safely to. It was hot, food and drink was overly expensive, and in my opinion outdoor "punk" rock festivals aren't really all that much fun. Unless I was seeing a band (and I had to LIKE the band) it was kind of a miserable experience. The best part was that Saturday night when we just hung out and got kicked out of an Italian restaurant. We couldn't effectively tailgate and I'm not paying ten bucks for a beer under any circumstance. I don't care if fucking the fate of the world depended on it. Bamboozle should really figure their shit out for next year because at this rate no one is going to go. At least the lineup was better. I guess.
Festival climate: Sub-tropical to fucking sub-Saharan Africa hot. It sucked.
Price of water: $4 in a fucking paper cup. Really? It's 1299489458473738292943847475 degrees outside and you can't offer water for free or at least cheap enough to buy? Honestly.
Price of beer: 10 fucking dollars.10 FUCKING DOLLARS. I don't think I need to go any further.
Girls: A quarter million.
Girls of age: 0
Total fucking dbag award: The very drunk (or maybe just stupid) guy who myself and everyone I was with collectively elbowed because he was going to extreme lengths to be a dbag. In fact he nearly ruined Saves the Day for everyone. Kids like this should be killed by pressing. Like Giles Corey.
Kids shouldn't: buy anything at Bamboozle. Especially t-shirts from bullshit clothing outfits that entice you to be a rebel and buy a shirt that says "fuck" on it.
Who the fuck is: Justin Bieber?
Number of concussions Erick Miller probably got from Bamboozle: 30
Sunblock: doesn't fucking work.
Kids should: look at themselves in a mirror for a second before leaving the house
Number of times I puked: once. It was awesome.
Best band: Minus the Bear
Best band runner up: Saves the Day
Best band second runner up: Piebald
Worst Band: Weezer. I would like to pause for a moment and comment on this if I could. It boggles my mind how bad Weezer is these days. Like they have plunged the depths of suck, boldly going where not even Metallica has gone before. They haven't put a decent album out since Green and not a good one since Pinkerton. Plus, the three old songs I heard them play they fucked up to unlistenable levels. Does Rivers Cuomo know this happens? Is he insane to the point where he thinks what he does is good, or is he doing this on purpose as some sort of ironic joke? Either way, Weezer suck woolly mammoth penis.
Worst band runner up: MGMT. How fucking boring can you be?
ADHD award: Girl Talk. Was that toilet paper?
By Sunday night Bamboozle resembled: an African refugee camp.
Do people: actually listen to half that shit?
In conclusion: The lineup was better than previous years but it was still a mess of corporate bullshit marketed for rebellion. By rebellion I mean angst your parents can drop you off safely to. It was hot, food and drink was overly expensive, and in my opinion outdoor "punk" rock festivals aren't really all that much fun. Unless I was seeing a band (and I had to LIKE the band) it was kind of a miserable experience. The best part was that Saturday night when we just hung out and got kicked out of an Italian restaurant. We couldn't effectively tailgate and I'm not paying ten bucks for a beer under any circumstance. I don't care if fucking the fate of the world depended on it. Bamboozle should really figure their shit out for next year because at this rate no one is going to go. At least the lineup was better. I guess.
Monday, April 5, 2010
On Baseball or, how I learned to still hate the Yankees while still loving the sport
Yeah I know it's been awhile since I graced the three people who read this with a new post. Sorry I've been a bit preoccupied. Let's get down to business. Many people who know me know that I boycotted the 2009 baseball season. Entirely. I felt that the sport was still in a decline of almost Roman proportions and that money and pure capitalism had completely ruined the sport I have loved since I was a tiny kid. I did not watch one professional baseball game the entire season unless it was on in the room I happened to occupy at the time. In this time the fucking Yankees won another World Series and many questioned my ability to continue my quest to ban baseball due to my prior history of being a Yankee fan. I am proud to say if not for Facebook I wouldn't even have known who played. That's right, I did not watch the World Series. However I did openly criticize those who suddenly become die hard Yankee fans in October. That has always been a bit of a problem I had even when I was a Yankee fan. I tried to watch as many games as possible, where the fuck were you people then? After much thought, and a trip to Cooperstown, I will openly and unapologetically embrace the sport of baseball once again. However, I still will not support, watch, or speak of the Yankees in any way except negatively for as long as I deem necessary. Why? Because I realized who I was really mad at all last year. It wasn't baseball. It was the motherfucking New York Yankees and their bullshit over-rated third baseman A-Roid. I hate him. I always will. He is one of the people ruining the sport of baseball with every dollar he collects. His whole career is an asterix. Just like Bonds, MacGuire, Sosa, and all the others who turned the late 90's into a suspect half decade. The sports best records were broken by people who fucking cheat. That is really why I was mad. It was spiteful, and now it's over. Why do I still hate the Yankees then? Because the Yankees (and many of their "fans") are everything that is wrong with baseball in this new century. After spending a day in Cooperstown, I can say without hesitation that this current Yankees team (with few exceptions) are not even fit to wear the uniform. Fuck the Yankees and their overpriced and overhyped machine. They tore down history and replaced it with steroid addled, ego-inflated disgrace. I have decided that this year I will watch baseball without investing myself in supporting one team over another. I will watch it much the same way I watch world soccer. I like some teams more than others but I am not emotional when one team beats another. Unless that team beats the Yankees or the Red Sox. Then I will become a demon from hell. Because as much as I wish that the Yankees were the only team worth hating with fiery passion, they aren't. The Red Sox (and the argument can be made for the Mets as well but they get a pass because they have yet to use their cash flow effectively) are just as bad if not worse in some respects. Just like it suddenly becomes "cool" in October to love the Yankees despite the fact these people haven't watched a game all season, it suddenly in recent years became super-cool to love the Red Sox. What the fuck is wrong with people? Do you even know why you like the Red Sox? You live no where near Boston. If you did, maybe I'd understand. The Red Sox have the same amount of money the Yankees do and the Baseball trade market is basically a fight between the Yankees and Boston year after year. Even if other teams had the cash to compete in the baseball transfer market they don't have the ability. It's terrible for the sport in my opinion. The Mets in contrast have the money, possibly the highest payroll in the National League, yet it (to me anyway) is a running joke year after year that they use this cash in the most illogical ways imaginable (as I write this I should point out that they looked pretty good today however). Big money dominates every sport in the world. There is no avoiding that. I just think if that money was fairly distributed in baseball the sport would benefit greatly. A salary cap for instance might help do just that.
So in conclusion, I have returned to baseball. And I say fuck the Yankees with a giant rubber godzilla schlong. That is all.
So in conclusion, I have returned to baseball. And I say fuck the Yankees with a giant rubber godzilla schlong. That is all.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A Shai Hulud show report
It was Thursday. It was nice outside but the reports threatened that rain was imminent. In the midst of quite a tumultuous week, I decided to schlep out to Gooooooooooshen (or Middletown? I don't think there's a difference really) to see the mighty Shai Hulud destroy everything in their path like so many rubbery giant Japanese city destroying monsters. What follows is some in depth reporting of what transpired.
Location: Sounds Asylum, a tiny venue with no stage. The place was about as big as my living room. Awesome place for a show like this.
Best Shirt award: This has to go to the kid with the Antischism patch on his hoody. Granted, this technically isn't a shirt as it was homemade, the award goes to the kid based on the fact that he wasn't wearing a Terror shirt.
Worst shirt award: Any kid who was wearing a Bleeding Through shirt. Really now? Bleeding Through? That band had one decent album like 5 years ago that wasn't even good enough to warrant them being signed. And what was funny is that these kids wore the shit like it was a badge of honor. Bleeding Through is bad metalcore for kids with IQ's lower than George Bush's left testicle.
Brutal chick award: The blonde, petite girl covered in tattoos who clobbered me in the back of the head during Hulud's set. When I first saw her she seemed calm enough, albeit having a "don't fuck with me" expression on her face at all times. After the painful blow to the cranium, I stayed the fuck out of her way.
Pit Commander award: The really big fat kid with the really huge holes in his ears who was pretty much hell-bent on destroying all that stood in his way. This would include the merch tables which were parked precariously close to the large beast's stomping grounds at the front of the venue.
Twilight Zone moment: When I first get to the show, I step out of my car and some kid comes up to talk to me because I am wearing a Ceremony hoody. Listen, I know how cool Ceremony is. I get it, so do you. However, just because I am wearing said item does not mean I want you to talk to me. In fact, just the opposite. I do not automatically want to talk to every asshole kid who thinks Ceremony is a cool band. Especially when the entire conversation will consist of you using every synonym for "awesome" you can think of and apply it to the subject under review. Please, stay the fuck away from me.
Violation of personal space award: The fat guy who stood in front of me so I couldn't move or breathe. It turns out he would later play in the Bayonet later on that night.
Surprisingly awesome band: Forgotten Sons. Local kids make good music.
Shitty band: Whoever the fuck played after Forgotten Sons. Way to copy and paste Coliseum riffs and pass it off like you wrote it. Also, your singer is a giant dbag.
Chug band award: The band called In Alcatraz 1962. First of all, what kind of stupid fucking band name is that? Two, how many breakdowns can you pop into a song? It doesn't get boring after a while?
Surprisingly awesome band, part 2: The Casting Out. Pop punk (sort of) that sounded like a happier Boy Sets Fire. Also, a bunch of old dudes.
Other band: Bayonet. They are like one of those ex-this, former member of that band. Basically a bunch of dudes from other failed hardcore bands that play more hardcore in a style they think the kids might actually like this time. Well, they were clearly going for that Bridge Nine sound and with their name drop factor they'll probably sign to them if they aren't signed already. I for one was not impressed.
Shai Hulud: As always, despite 900 lineup changes, a great time. My voice is still fucked two days later from screaming. And there is no better way to see them then in a small place with no stage. Also, kudos to the kids at the show for being there to fuckin pile on for Hulud. It makes me think that some kids actually know what's going on a little. Just a little though.
Well that about wraps it up. Hope you enjoyed.
Location: Sounds Asylum, a tiny venue with no stage. The place was about as big as my living room. Awesome place for a show like this.
Best Shirt award: This has to go to the kid with the Antischism patch on his hoody. Granted, this technically isn't a shirt as it was homemade, the award goes to the kid based on the fact that he wasn't wearing a Terror shirt.
Worst shirt award: Any kid who was wearing a Bleeding Through shirt. Really now? Bleeding Through? That band had one decent album like 5 years ago that wasn't even good enough to warrant them being signed. And what was funny is that these kids wore the shit like it was a badge of honor. Bleeding Through is bad metalcore for kids with IQ's lower than George Bush's left testicle.
Brutal chick award: The blonde, petite girl covered in tattoos who clobbered me in the back of the head during Hulud's set. When I first saw her she seemed calm enough, albeit having a "don't fuck with me" expression on her face at all times. After the painful blow to the cranium, I stayed the fuck out of her way.
Pit Commander award: The really big fat kid with the really huge holes in his ears who was pretty much hell-bent on destroying all that stood in his way. This would include the merch tables which were parked precariously close to the large beast's stomping grounds at the front of the venue.
Twilight Zone moment: When I first get to the show, I step out of my car and some kid comes up to talk to me because I am wearing a Ceremony hoody. Listen, I know how cool Ceremony is. I get it, so do you. However, just because I am wearing said item does not mean I want you to talk to me. In fact, just the opposite. I do not automatically want to talk to every asshole kid who thinks Ceremony is a cool band. Especially when the entire conversation will consist of you using every synonym for "awesome" you can think of and apply it to the subject under review. Please, stay the fuck away from me.
Violation of personal space award: The fat guy who stood in front of me so I couldn't move or breathe. It turns out he would later play in the Bayonet later on that night.
Surprisingly awesome band: Forgotten Sons. Local kids make good music.
Shitty band: Whoever the fuck played after Forgotten Sons. Way to copy and paste Coliseum riffs and pass it off like you wrote it. Also, your singer is a giant dbag.
Chug band award: The band called In Alcatraz 1962. First of all, what kind of stupid fucking band name is that? Two, how many breakdowns can you pop into a song? It doesn't get boring after a while?
Surprisingly awesome band, part 2: The Casting Out. Pop punk (sort of) that sounded like a happier Boy Sets Fire. Also, a bunch of old dudes.
Other band: Bayonet. They are like one of those ex-this, former member of that band. Basically a bunch of dudes from other failed hardcore bands that play more hardcore in a style they think the kids might actually like this time. Well, they were clearly going for that Bridge Nine sound and with their name drop factor they'll probably sign to them if they aren't signed already. I for one was not impressed.
Shai Hulud: As always, despite 900 lineup changes, a great time. My voice is still fucked two days later from screaming. And there is no better way to see them then in a small place with no stage. Also, kudos to the kids at the show for being there to fuckin pile on for Hulud. It makes me think that some kids actually know what's going on a little. Just a little though.
Well that about wraps it up. Hope you enjoyed.
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