Last night, Obama made his first State of the Union speech as President. I was very interested to see it. More than usually. If I was President, my speech would have probably gone something like, "Nothings changed. You can all go home now". Well, I'm not the President. Obama was clearly pissed as he took the podium last night. In his speech, he called out his opponents who pretty much surrounded him (yeah I'm talking to you Pelosi you spineless witch). He made some jokes, and tried his best to inject some of that campaign era hope and change stuff back into public discourse. Here's my opinion. I was encouraged that he seemed to be genuinely critical of himself, especially when he said "change hasn't come soon enough". I was happy he called out his enemies, to their faces. I was happy when he said "if you have better ideas, let me hear them". I was happy he "hated the bailout", and was a bit surprised at his new anti-wall street agenda. I was even happy he tried once again to make the case for health care reform, and that he blamed himself for not communicating clearly to the public about what it would do for us. I would be happier however, if I believed any change could come from this government. I know better. "Hope" and "change" are nice things to say, but making things happen has never been this government's strong suit. If we really want to change anything in this country, we are going to have to do it ourselves. I know for a fact that everything the man said at the podium fell on deaf, stupid, ears. Those people that sat in front of him (mostly standing and clapping after every sentence) will not, god bless them, lift a finger to make the Obama agenda happen. Democrat and Republican alike will do all they can to protect their lobbyists and their corporate campaign contributions. Especially now since the Supreme Court has basically given corporations a blank check to fund any candidates they want, effectively destroying the average person's ability to decide who will represent them in government. Voting now has been rendered completely useless, so don't expect another 2008 election to ever happen again. If you had any doubts about who really runs this country the Court's decision I think makes it catastrophically clear.
This brings me to my next topic. Right after the address, I heard that Howard Zinn died. Howard Zinn was a historian and activist, best known for writing "A People's History of the United States". It is still the best book on American history I have ever read. Howard Zinn dared all the way to his death to challenge the official version of American history. Every textbook we have ever read on history was written by those who won, not by those who suffered as a consequence. Zinn changed all of that in one book. His basic points: war for any reason is wrong. Economics drives all policy. And most importantly, especially now, nothing was ever changed in this country through government, but by mass social movements. Howard Zinn, in every book I own that he wrote, caused me to think about how our emperors present the history of this country, and how they use it to justify what they do now. Think back to the last dufus in office and how for eight years he used the official version of WWII history to justify his war in Iraq. Howard Zinn's heroes are not Washington, Lincoln, or Jefferson. In fact, he analyzes these official heroes and lifts the facade about who they really were. His heroes are people like Eugene Debs and Emma Goldman, dissidents and agitators you have never heard of. Yet, without Howard Zinn's heroes of American history, we would still work in sweatshops, women still wouldn't be allowed to vote, and the segregation would still be law.
Lately, I have been watching a lot of westerns. You're saying, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? Well, allow me to explain. Westerns are a dying genre in American film. It's a shame, because some of the best movies ever made are westerns. These movies also have me thinking about Howard Zinn's writings in a kind of abstract way. Most of the westerns I own have either John Wayne or Clint Eastwood in the starring role. Clint even directed some of his. One thing I have noticed is that there is a striking difference between westerns done by John Wayne vs. those done by Clint Eastwood. The western is a complicated genre of film. They are meant to tell fictional (sometimes true) stories about a particular period of American history. They often deal with the Civil War, railroads, gold rushes, Spanish, Mexicans, Indians, you name it and if it was a theme for this time period there's probably a movie about it. The main difference between John Wayne and Clint Eastwood westerns is the fact that Clint Eastwood never, ever kills a Native American in any western he has ever been in. It's true. Don't believe me? Check out IMDB. John Wayne on the other hand, kills Indians at will. The Indians in John Wayne movies are often portrayed as these evil savages, hellbent on destroying the good, God fearing white people on the frontier. The Indians in Clint Eastwood movies, when there are any, show a different side. "The Outlaw Josey Wales" is the perfect example. Not only does Clint's character not kill any Indians, he befriends them. He even finds a way to settle a dispute with a Comanche chief by saying in essence "there is no need to kill each other. We can share the land". John Wayne must have had a shitfit when this movie came out. One character in the movie practically has a 10 minute monologue about how the white man destroyed Native American life. In every movie where John Wayne came across the Native people, they were dead soon afterwards. John Wayne during his career made two types of movies. Westerns where he killed Indians and war movies where he killed everyone not American. The standard American hero version of historical events. We are the good guys so whatever we do, no matter how horrible, is the right thing to do. Everything is black and white, good vs. evil with a extremely low level of moral ambiguity. The only exception would be "The Searchers" where John Wayne sort of comes to terms with his irrational hatred's and becomes semi human. He still kills a lot of Indians though. Clint Eastwood westerns, whether he directed them or not, are the total opposite. Eastwood's characters are usually neither good nor bad in the child sense of the terms. They have complex issues and demons and motivations that go beyond right and wrong. The historical issues in Eastwood westerns are also interesting in that many times they show the traditional "good guys" doing terrible things. For example, in "Josey Wales" where the Union soldiers kill Eastwood's character's entire family. Basically, whether he meant to do this or not, Clint Eastwood involved himself in westerns that challenge our traditional viewpoints.
SO what's my point in all of this. Howard Zinn gave us the Clint Eastwood western version of American history. Right and wrong when it comes to American history, is determined by those who are writing the history. John Wayne made propaganda films. He helped to perpetuate the myths we take as gospel in High School textbooks. What's more, he knew he was doing it. It was no secret what side John Wayne was on. Howard Zinn recognized this, (maybe not in terms of John Wayne movies but whatever I'm trying to make a connection fuck off), and sought to change our view. He knew what he was taught in school wasn't necessarily wrong, but biased in one direction. He also knew that change does not just happen in America. America has to be dragged kicking and screaming into doing what is right, and he aimed to illustrate those people in our history that helped make that happen. Like Clint Eastwood westerns, Howard Zinn challenged our views on who the heroes of American history really were. That is why he will be missed. Especially now.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Jersey Shore postmortem
Well, the unholy abomination that was MTV's "Jersey Shore" came to its ridiculous conclusion Thursday night to much Facebook fanfare. There are literally thousands of more important things I could use this space for, but fuck it I prefer to be ridiculous. Now as the show went on, and the scenarios became more insane, writers on all sides of the print and internet media wrote in depth articles trying to figure out why the fuck America watched this shit. In fact, I read quite a few well intentioned articles about how the show is actually showing how gender roles have changed in America. Their evidence came from the show, as the guys in the house dressed up and over gelled their hair everyday, and the women looked homeless in sweatpants. The guys cooked, the ladies sat on their asses, and so on. They go on to say that basically the show was some sort of "feminist triumph" (I'm not quoting I'm paraphrasing) or something. Are you fucking kidding me? I highly doubt that anyone who watched the show thought into it that deep. America didn't sit and wonder about the sociological significance of the characters' actions. No. They watched because the commercials showed some behemoth with Dragonball-Z hair decapitate some drunk guy with one punch. They watched because Snooki was half senile at 22 years of age. Three year olds have better developed brain matter. They watched because some guy actually had the balls to call himself "The Situation" without any hint of irony. Not like he's aware of the term irony anyway. What's more, everyone in the house called him that as well. They watched because they saw slightly hefty ladies punch each other. By slightly hefty I mean Buffalo extras from "Dances with Wolves". They watched because they wanted to see some asshole punch Snooki, and then didn't get to see it. They watched because they couldn't believe people were actually like that. They hated themselves for watching but couldn't turn it off. They watched for the same reason they slow down when they see a car on fire on the highway. Everyone loves to see a train wreck.
If there is anything of substance to be taken from the show, it was showing those who live outside of the tri-state area a glimpse of the type of douchebag we have here. It was like a National Geographic special that was on for a month. The douchebag in the wild, in their natural habitat if you will. We saw them in their bizarre mating rituals, where they'd go to the same club and then wonder why the same girls kept stalking them on a boardwalk . These rituals include the need to apparently cut their hair every other day, go tanning in the summer when there's a fucking beach right in front of their house, and work out (or steroids). We saw their drinking habits, which usually lead to fighting. We saw bizarre tribal dances (which go with their tattoos) that made no sense to them much less the average person. And we also saw what would happen if certain aspects of our culture didn't exist. Like books for instance.
Now why did I watch this? Because it was fucking funny. There was no other reason. If I wanted to see morons with blowouts I would've gone to the Newburgh waterfront. This was way cheaper than that. These people do exist, and I'm positive they act just like that. They get drunk and fight anyone who looks at them wrong. They fuck around. They look stupid. They have shiny t shirts with stupid logos on them that they paid $78 for. Every moment of the show was hilarious. Every fight, every goat "The Situation" brought home, every time Snooki spoke, the UFC spinning back fist, every kid who started with them at the bar because they looked like dbags, pretty much anything that happened. My favorite for obvious reasons was the Israeli stalker girl. There will not be a better example of culture clash seen on television this year I assure you. That kid had no idea what the fuck he was in for and I thought it was great.
So "Jersey Shore" is now over. And now my trash TV fix will have to come from elsewhere. Until "Jersey Shore" 2, or Bret Michael's Bang Bus Volume 2, or Flava of Love 18, or some other terrible thing that makes most people vomit. I will be there. Why? Because I am not them. I am not an aging cock rocker that never should have had a record deal in the first place. I am not an aging rapper with Hepatitis. And I am not some dbag with a blowout, a spray tan, shiny pressed t shirts, a steroid problem (and the rage that accompanies it), and a pickle addiction. Therefore, these horrid abominations make me feel better about my life. And that, I think, is why America loves this shit.
If there is anything of substance to be taken from the show, it was showing those who live outside of the tri-state area a glimpse of the type of douchebag we have here. It was like a National Geographic special that was on for a month. The douchebag in the wild, in their natural habitat if you will. We saw them in their bizarre mating rituals, where they'd go to the same club and then wonder why the same girls kept stalking them on a boardwalk . These rituals include the need to apparently cut their hair every other day, go tanning in the summer when there's a fucking beach right in front of their house, and work out (or steroids). We saw their drinking habits, which usually lead to fighting. We saw bizarre tribal dances (which go with their tattoos) that made no sense to them much less the average person. And we also saw what would happen if certain aspects of our culture didn't exist. Like books for instance.
Now why did I watch this? Because it was fucking funny. There was no other reason. If I wanted to see morons with blowouts I would've gone to the Newburgh waterfront. This was way cheaper than that. These people do exist, and I'm positive they act just like that. They get drunk and fight anyone who looks at them wrong. They fuck around. They look stupid. They have shiny t shirts with stupid logos on them that they paid $78 for. Every moment of the show was hilarious. Every fight, every goat "The Situation" brought home, every time Snooki spoke, the UFC spinning back fist, every kid who started with them at the bar because they looked like dbags, pretty much anything that happened. My favorite for obvious reasons was the Israeli stalker girl. There will not be a better example of culture clash seen on television this year I assure you. That kid had no idea what the fuck he was in for and I thought it was great.
So "Jersey Shore" is now over. And now my trash TV fix will have to come from elsewhere. Until "Jersey Shore" 2, or Bret Michael's Bang Bus Volume 2, or Flava of Love 18, or some other terrible thing that makes most people vomit. I will be there. Why? Because I am not them. I am not an aging cock rocker that never should have had a record deal in the first place. I am not an aging rapper with Hepatitis. And I am not some dbag with a blowout, a spray tan, shiny pressed t shirts, a steroid problem (and the rage that accompanies it), and a pickle addiction. Therefore, these horrid abominations make me feel better about my life. And that, I think, is why America loves this shit.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Things that piss me off
Well the results aren't totally in yet but I think it's a foregone conclusion that the Democrats are going to lose that seat in Massachusetts. Honestly, I think it's hilarious. Massachusetts is just a tiny window showing what's inevitably going to happen in the midterm elections and most likely the next Presidential election. The democrats had their chance, and they fucking blew it. And you know what? It doesn't matter in the slightest. The election was seen as a referendum on the democratic health plan. To me, the health care plan died when the public option was taken off the table. When the current bunch of spineless persons of government decided to allow these crackpot tea-party psychos to dominate the argument, also allowing the declining Republican party to have a massive resurgence, any hope of actually getting anything accomplished died with a whimper. Where are all the kids who voted for Obama now? Maybe if some of us on the left would open our mouths something could possibly be accomplished. I for one gave up a long time ago. This just proved I was right. Politics in this country are a joke. As I type this, the corporate news cable channels are all reporting that the Democrats are all blaming each other for fucking this up. Well, yeah they should. The Democrats have fucked up the argument for health care reform since day one. For a party with no ideas and no actual rhetoric, the Republicans became quite powerful again didn't they? It is no surprise to me then that the election was lost.
Something else that pisses me off. We all have seen what happened to Haiti last week. Words really can't express what those people must be going through. It is sad to see history repeating itself again in less than 10 years. Once again a poor region of the world was struck by natural disaster and once again government institutions are powerless to do anything to help. Well, not powerless. They just aren't really trying. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Especially since a city in our OWN country is still basically in ruins 5 years later. A few things have stood out to me as I watch the reporting on this disaster. Here is a brief list:
1. As I watched the corporate cable news media, I stopped on Chris Matthews (one of the few shithead pundits I can almost stand) as he was interviewing the former Haitian Prime Minister. He asked the ex PM and I'm paraphrasing, whether or not there are any organizations that people can send money to other than the Red Cross that are safe and dependable. The Prime Minister without even missing a beat and completely devoid of emotion says, "No". No. This says more about the tiny nation than any history book ever could.
2. As I continued to watch the coverage, I happened upon video of what seems like a "Peacekeeper" firing into a crowd of survivors with rubber bullets. This infuriated me. I understand that the government in Haiti is nonexistent and there is a great need for additional law enforcement due to the nature of the disaster. But the LAST thing these people need is to be shot at by reactionary bonehead supercops. Try giving them water and maybe they won't riot. Really, what the fuck do you expect?
3. Bill Clinton is all over the news as he "pitches in" in Haiti. This from the guy who most recently helped blow that country into the stone age (ask me about this or look it up). Maybe it's guilt? Either way the champion of NAFTA and globalization said something to a reporter that struck me. He was talking about the help efforts and he stated how many countries are "helping" and how great the international community is, blah blah blah. It looks more like these nations are vying for their own spheres of influence in the USA's brand new protectorate. Disgusting.
4. This made me the most angry. I must give the President credit. He reacted quickly to the tragedy and it seems as though he's sincere in trying to help. Yet, the big money number we are donating to the relief effort tallies up to be...$100 million. $100 million? That's fucking it? We gave the corrupt CEO's at AIG and their ilk billions upon billions of dollars last fall. We gave the car companies billions more. All these companies did collectively to earn this treasure was fail at business and piss away the nation's life savings. We actually rewarded their stupidity by handing these companies billions because it was "important to the financial stability of America". Yet we can't give Haiti the same treatment WHEN PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE AT STAKE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? These people need water and medical help and all the most "powerful nation on earth" is willing to shell out is $100 million? Shai Hulud said it best, "words cannot express my disappointment".
I read an article written shortly after the earthquake happened that basically stated (again I'm paraphrasing) that if we want to at least pretend to help these people we have to own up to our role in Haiti's situation.I could not agree more. Haiti has been a victim of blatant colonialism since it's founding and this disaster won't do anything to change that. In fact, I predict it will be worse. The more pictures I see the more disgusted I am. America really needs to re-evaluate itself and what our role in the world really is. I think it's also time to take some responsibility for our foreign policy shortcomings. However, I will also say that I applaud the Red Cross for everything they are doing for these people. With no supplies and under incredibly terrible conditions they seem to me to be doing an outstanding job. I just hope they will be able to continue the effort with the piddling little bit of money they are receiving.
And as for the democrats, this better be a wake-up call for them that they are losing the war for hearts and minds in America. Wake the fuck up. You can't get anything done when you are losing the argument. So how do you win the argument? You counter the loud assholes in the tea party by being loud assholes yourselves. Drag this country kicking and screaming to the finish line. If it weren't for a few loud assholes (and bitches) we still would be working 15 hour days without weekends for 2 pennies an hour. If not for these same miscreants the only people voting in this bullshit election would be landowning white guys. And surely no woman would be a candidate. Think about that a little and then grow a fucking spine. Maybe then I'll vote next election.
Something else that pisses me off. We all have seen what happened to Haiti last week. Words really can't express what those people must be going through. It is sad to see history repeating itself again in less than 10 years. Once again a poor region of the world was struck by natural disaster and once again government institutions are powerless to do anything to help. Well, not powerless. They just aren't really trying. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Especially since a city in our OWN country is still basically in ruins 5 years later. A few things have stood out to me as I watch the reporting on this disaster. Here is a brief list:
1. As I watched the corporate cable news media, I stopped on Chris Matthews (one of the few shithead pundits I can almost stand) as he was interviewing the former Haitian Prime Minister. He asked the ex PM and I'm paraphrasing, whether or not there are any organizations that people can send money to other than the Red Cross that are safe and dependable. The Prime Minister without even missing a beat and completely devoid of emotion says, "No". No. This says more about the tiny nation than any history book ever could.
2. As I continued to watch the coverage, I happened upon video of what seems like a "Peacekeeper" firing into a crowd of survivors with rubber bullets. This infuriated me. I understand that the government in Haiti is nonexistent and there is a great need for additional law enforcement due to the nature of the disaster. But the LAST thing these people need is to be shot at by reactionary bonehead supercops. Try giving them water and maybe they won't riot. Really, what the fuck do you expect?
3. Bill Clinton is all over the news as he "pitches in" in Haiti. This from the guy who most recently helped blow that country into the stone age (ask me about this or look it up). Maybe it's guilt? Either way the champion of NAFTA and globalization said something to a reporter that struck me. He was talking about the help efforts and he stated how many countries are "helping" and how great the international community is, blah blah blah. It looks more like these nations are vying for their own spheres of influence in the USA's brand new protectorate. Disgusting.
4. This made me the most angry. I must give the President credit. He reacted quickly to the tragedy and it seems as though he's sincere in trying to help. Yet, the big money number we are donating to the relief effort tallies up to be...$100 million. $100 million? That's fucking it? We gave the corrupt CEO's at AIG and their ilk billions upon billions of dollars last fall. We gave the car companies billions more. All these companies did collectively to earn this treasure was fail at business and piss away the nation's life savings. We actually rewarded their stupidity by handing these companies billions because it was "important to the financial stability of America". Yet we can't give Haiti the same treatment WHEN PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE AT STAKE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? These people need water and medical help and all the most "powerful nation on earth" is willing to shell out is $100 million? Shai Hulud said it best, "words cannot express my disappointment".
I read an article written shortly after the earthquake happened that basically stated (again I'm paraphrasing) that if we want to at least pretend to help these people we have to own up to our role in Haiti's situation.I could not agree more. Haiti has been a victim of blatant colonialism since it's founding and this disaster won't do anything to change that. In fact, I predict it will be worse. The more pictures I see the more disgusted I am. America really needs to re-evaluate itself and what our role in the world really is. I think it's also time to take some responsibility for our foreign policy shortcomings. However, I will also say that I applaud the Red Cross for everything they are doing for these people. With no supplies and under incredibly terrible conditions they seem to me to be doing an outstanding job. I just hope they will be able to continue the effort with the piddling little bit of money they are receiving.
And as for the democrats, this better be a wake-up call for them that they are losing the war for hearts and minds in America. Wake the fuck up. You can't get anything done when you are losing the argument. So how do you win the argument? You counter the loud assholes in the tea party by being loud assholes yourselves. Drag this country kicking and screaming to the finish line. If it weren't for a few loud assholes (and bitches) we still would be working 15 hour days without weekends for 2 pennies an hour. If not for these same miscreants the only people voting in this bullshit election would be landowning white guys. And surely no woman would be a candidate. Think about that a little and then grow a fucking spine. Maybe then I'll vote next election.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
100 movies that are better than Avatar
The two or three of you that read this thing I waste my time on know that I disliked Avatar. Like really disliked it. Therefore I have decided to make a list of sorts. Every single movie on this list is better than Avatar. What's the point of this? To prove that if I filmed myself pooping it would still be better than Avatar. This is why obvious choices like The Godfather or Star Wars aren't on here. They are not in any real order I just wanted to count them down. So enjoy.
100. American Ninja
99. American Ninja 2
98. Conan the Destroyer (the one with Grace Jones)
97. Total Recall
96. Pumpkinhead
95. Ninja 3: The Domination (yes this piece of shit is better than Avatar)
94. Shaolin and Wu-Tang
93. Bloodsport (Van Damme masterpiece)
92. Double Impact (times 2)
91. Only the Strong (I hear the Capoeira theme music in my head right now as I type this)
90. Marked for Death (Seagal vs. Jamaican drug dealer voodoo guys)
89. Big Trouble in Little China (Kurt fucking Russel vs. Chinese evil wizards)
88. The Punisher (with Dolph Lundgren not the newer ones)
87. Phantasm
86. Robocop
85. Death Wish 1-5 (Charles fucking Bronson)
84. Predator
83. The Principal (Best good guy in a bad school movie ever)
82. Children of the Corn
81. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (even the odd numbered Star Trek movies are better than Avatar)
80. Superman 1-4 (yes even IV: The Quest for Peace is better than Avatar)
79. Commando (Schwarzenegger vs. half of South America)
78. Under Siege
77. Die Hard
76. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (James Cameron wishes he directed this fine film)
75. The Blob (the 1987 version)
74. The Fly (with Jeff Goldbloom)
73. Rambo 1-3 (even the new one is better than Avatar)
72. The Fist of the White Lotus
71. Delta Force 1-2 ("All Americans and Israeli's get down!")
70. Missing in Action 1-3 (Chuck Norris ain't nuthin to fuck with)
69. The Octagon (Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks an entire ninja clan)
68. Kickboxer
67. The Five Deadly Venoms
66. Shaft (the original not the one with Samuel L. Jackson)
65. Blacula
64. Attack of the Killer Tomato's (classic cinema)
63. Police Academy 1-6
62. Hard to Kill
61. The Five Element Ninjas
60. The Toxic Avenger
59. Earth vs. The Flying Saucers
58. They Live
57. Dick Tracy
56. Clash of the Titans
55. Every Godzilla movie ever made
54. Mothra
53. Virus (with Jamie Lee Curtis fighting cyborg things on a boat)
52. Slumber Party Massacre
51. Die Hard
50. Shogun Assassin
49. Conan the Barbarian
48. Red Sonja
47. The Hobbit (the old animated Disney movie)
46. Krull
45. The Neverending Story
44. Labyrinth
43. Willow
42. Pete's Dragon
41. 8 Diagram Pole Fighter
40. The Dark Crystal
39. Re-Animator
38. Night of the Creeps
37. Twilight Zone: The Movie
36. Flash Gordon
35. Tango & Cash
34. The Secret Of NIMH
33. Red Dawn
32. Road House
31. Scanners
30. I Come in Peace (Dolph Lundgren vs. an alien hitman that throws killer dinner plates that decapitate people)
29. Highlander 1 and 2
28. The Road Warrior
27. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (before Mel Gibson's Nazi era)
26. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles(1 and 2: The Secret of the Ooze)
25. Enter the Dragon
24. Turner and Hooch
23. Falling Down
22. Suburban Commando (Hulk Hogan's finest hour)
21. Gremlins
20. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
19. The Thing
18. The 36th Chamber of Shaolin
17. Rocky (1-5. Yes even Rocky 5 is better than Avatar)
16. Iron Eagle
15. The Last Starfighter
14. Enemy Mine
13. Stephen King's Silver Bullet
12. Dune
11. John Carpenter's Vampires
10. The Day the Earth Stood Still (not that Keanu Reeves bullshit)
9. The Omega Man
8. Soylent Green
7. Freejack
6. Planet of the Apes
5. No Holds Barred
4. Friday the 13th (the original 8 movies)
3. Darkman
2. Blade Runner
1. The Mighty Ducks
100. American Ninja
99. American Ninja 2
98. Conan the Destroyer (the one with Grace Jones)
97. Total Recall
96. Pumpkinhead
95. Ninja 3: The Domination (yes this piece of shit is better than Avatar)
94. Shaolin and Wu-Tang
93. Bloodsport (Van Damme masterpiece)
92. Double Impact (times 2)
91. Only the Strong (I hear the Capoeira theme music in my head right now as I type this)
90. Marked for Death (Seagal vs. Jamaican drug dealer voodoo guys)
89. Big Trouble in Little China (Kurt fucking Russel vs. Chinese evil wizards)
88. The Punisher (with Dolph Lundgren not the newer ones)
87. Phantasm
86. Robocop
85. Death Wish 1-5 (Charles fucking Bronson)
84. Predator
83. The Principal (Best good guy in a bad school movie ever)
82. Children of the Corn
81. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (even the odd numbered Star Trek movies are better than Avatar)
80. Superman 1-4 (yes even IV: The Quest for Peace is better than Avatar)
79. Commando (Schwarzenegger vs. half of South America)
78. Under Siege
77. Die Hard
76. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (James Cameron wishes he directed this fine film)
75. The Blob (the 1987 version)
74. The Fly (with Jeff Goldbloom)
73. Rambo 1-3 (even the new one is better than Avatar)
72. The Fist of the White Lotus
71. Delta Force 1-2 ("All Americans and Israeli's get down!")
70. Missing in Action 1-3 (Chuck Norris ain't nuthin to fuck with)
69. The Octagon (Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks an entire ninja clan)
68. Kickboxer
67. The Five Deadly Venoms
66. Shaft (the original not the one with Samuel L. Jackson)
65. Blacula
64. Attack of the Killer Tomato's (classic cinema)
63. Police Academy 1-6
62. Hard to Kill
61. The Five Element Ninjas
60. The Toxic Avenger
59. Earth vs. The Flying Saucers
58. They Live
57. Dick Tracy
56. Clash of the Titans
55. Every Godzilla movie ever made
54. Mothra
53. Virus (with Jamie Lee Curtis fighting cyborg things on a boat)
52. Slumber Party Massacre
51. Die Hard
50. Shogun Assassin
49. Conan the Barbarian
48. Red Sonja
47. The Hobbit (the old animated Disney movie)
46. Krull
45. The Neverending Story
44. Labyrinth
43. Willow
42. Pete's Dragon
41. 8 Diagram Pole Fighter
40. The Dark Crystal
39. Re-Animator
38. Night of the Creeps
37. Twilight Zone: The Movie
36. Flash Gordon
35. Tango & Cash
34. The Secret Of NIMH
33. Red Dawn
32. Road House
31. Scanners
30. I Come in Peace (Dolph Lundgren vs. an alien hitman that throws killer dinner plates that decapitate people)
29. Highlander 1 and 2
28. The Road Warrior
27. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (before Mel Gibson's Nazi era)
26. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles(1 and 2: The Secret of the Ooze)
25. Enter the Dragon
24. Turner and Hooch
23. Falling Down
22. Suburban Commando (Hulk Hogan's finest hour)
21. Gremlins
20. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
19. The Thing
18. The 36th Chamber of Shaolin
17. Rocky (1-5. Yes even Rocky 5 is better than Avatar)
16. Iron Eagle
15. The Last Starfighter
14. Enemy Mine
13. Stephen King's Silver Bullet
12. Dune
11. John Carpenter's Vampires
10. The Day the Earth Stood Still (not that Keanu Reeves bullshit)
9. The Omega Man
8. Soylent Green
7. Freejack
6. Planet of the Apes
5. No Holds Barred
4. Friday the 13th (the original 8 movies)
3. Darkman
2. Blade Runner
1. The Mighty Ducks
Thursday, January 7, 2010
An open letter to James Cameron
Dear James Cameron,
I want to start by saying that once, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a fan of your films. I think Aliens and the two Terminator films were beyond great. In fact, they are still some of my favorite movies. Even True Lies was a good time. Then for some ungodly reason I will never understand, you made Titanic and destroyed our relationship. I have never forgiven you for this atrocity. Then, to make matters worse you were nominated for like a billion Oscars for that giant 4 hour slice of brontosaurus shit. And even worse than that, you won. That not only shattered my view of you, but it shattered my faith that the Academy had any idea what the fuck they were doing when they picked movies to be the Best Picture of the year. Luckily for myself and other like minded people, you then took a long absence from making movies. You left the shitty movies for Michael Bay to direct, and direct them he did. When Avatar was announced, it seemed like you finally came to your senses and realized where your bread was buttered. I saw robots, shit blowing up, but those first trailers gave me nothing as far as plot. From what I could tell, a Sci-Fi extravaganza was coming. As the trailers mounted, and hype grew, it then became apparent that you actually didn't return to your former greatness at all. Instead, it looked like you filmed some kid playing Halo for 4 hours. Well, I finally saw this thing you call Avatar, and I ask you this Mr. Cameron. WHY? You remember when science fiction films had...actors? Real sets? Instead we get this CGI blue screen/green screen shitshow that was very close to 3 hours in length. Did you and George Lucas plot to destroy science fiction or is that just a coincidence? It seems like you guys hang out. I mean you have what seems to me to be the Jar Jar Binks alien things versus the George W. Bush run American military. That's about the extent of the plot. Your movie is like Dances with Wolves had a baby with Star Wars Episode I, and then had a torrid affair with the Lion King, who in turn spawned an illegitimate Braveheart child. What the hell were you on when you wrote this movie? The humans are looking for, what was it called again? Unobtanium? Unobtanium?!?!?! That was the best you could come up with? You have this entire movie hinging on humanity's need to mine a fake mineral called...Unobtanium. Wow. That is some creative shit right there. Oh that's right, the plot and the characters played only a minor role in your attempt to revolutionize film. What the fuck kind of revolution did you think you'd start? Pretentious much? I for one hate CGI and think instead of being imaginative your movie ended up being a computer generated ode to mediocrity. Now by no means was this the worst movie I have ever seen. I've seen much worse, believe me. I did mention Michael Bay right? However, when I'm laughing at the cliched "emotional" parts of the film, where my heart strings are supposed to be tugged, when I'm supposed to sympathize with the heroes of the film and hate the evil bad guys, there is something definitely wrong. Like really every major plot event I saw coming one hour into the film. You could have shaved off at least an hour and a half from this steaming pile of self indulgence. I would've been much kinder to you then, believe me. The only thing that would have made this thing worse would be Celine Dion singing at the end credits. I was almost disappointed you thought better of it. Thankfully, you did cast Sigourney Weaver in the movie. And she was predictably great. I just was wishing an alien would pop out of the main characters chest so she could say "Stay away from her you BITCH".
Mr. Cameron I would like to now take the opportunity to ask a favor of you. Just...fucking...stop making movies. Really. No mas. Gigantic swing and a miss. When the inevitable sequel comes, I think I'll stay home and watch Casablanca or The Godfather. You know, a film with a plot that Walt Disney didn't write in 1940.
Sincerely,
Rag Rants blog
I want to start by saying that once, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a fan of your films. I think Aliens and the two Terminator films were beyond great. In fact, they are still some of my favorite movies. Even True Lies was a good time. Then for some ungodly reason I will never understand, you made Titanic and destroyed our relationship. I have never forgiven you for this atrocity. Then, to make matters worse you were nominated for like a billion Oscars for that giant 4 hour slice of brontosaurus shit. And even worse than that, you won. That not only shattered my view of you, but it shattered my faith that the Academy had any idea what the fuck they were doing when they picked movies to be the Best Picture of the year. Luckily for myself and other like minded people, you then took a long absence from making movies. You left the shitty movies for Michael Bay to direct, and direct them he did. When Avatar was announced, it seemed like you finally came to your senses and realized where your bread was buttered. I saw robots, shit blowing up, but those first trailers gave me nothing as far as plot. From what I could tell, a Sci-Fi extravaganza was coming. As the trailers mounted, and hype grew, it then became apparent that you actually didn't return to your former greatness at all. Instead, it looked like you filmed some kid playing Halo for 4 hours. Well, I finally saw this thing you call Avatar, and I ask you this Mr. Cameron. WHY? You remember when science fiction films had...actors? Real sets? Instead we get this CGI blue screen/green screen shitshow that was very close to 3 hours in length. Did you and George Lucas plot to destroy science fiction or is that just a coincidence? It seems like you guys hang out. I mean you have what seems to me to be the Jar Jar Binks alien things versus the George W. Bush run American military. That's about the extent of the plot. Your movie is like Dances with Wolves had a baby with Star Wars Episode I, and then had a torrid affair with the Lion King, who in turn spawned an illegitimate Braveheart child. What the hell were you on when you wrote this movie? The humans are looking for, what was it called again? Unobtanium? Unobtanium?!?!?! That was the best you could come up with? You have this entire movie hinging on humanity's need to mine a fake mineral called...Unobtanium. Wow. That is some creative shit right there. Oh that's right, the plot and the characters played only a minor role in your attempt to revolutionize film. What the fuck kind of revolution did you think you'd start? Pretentious much? I for one hate CGI and think instead of being imaginative your movie ended up being a computer generated ode to mediocrity. Now by no means was this the worst movie I have ever seen. I've seen much worse, believe me. I did mention Michael Bay right? However, when I'm laughing at the cliched "emotional" parts of the film, where my heart strings are supposed to be tugged, when I'm supposed to sympathize with the heroes of the film and hate the evil bad guys, there is something definitely wrong. Like really every major plot event I saw coming one hour into the film. You could have shaved off at least an hour and a half from this steaming pile of self indulgence. I would've been much kinder to you then, believe me. The only thing that would have made this thing worse would be Celine Dion singing at the end credits. I was almost disappointed you thought better of it. Thankfully, you did cast Sigourney Weaver in the movie. And she was predictably great. I just was wishing an alien would pop out of the main characters chest so she could say "Stay away from her you BITCH".
Mr. Cameron I would like to now take the opportunity to ask a favor of you. Just...fucking...stop making movies. Really. No mas. Gigantic swing and a miss. When the inevitable sequel comes, I think I'll stay home and watch Casablanca or The Godfather. You know, a film with a plot that Walt Disney didn't write in 1940.
Sincerely,
Rag Rants blog
You gotta be kidding me
So for a few days I have been struggling with what I'm gonna write here. I love wasting your time dear readers, so I wanted it to be something stupid, ridiculous, and completely useless. Today I happened to be perusing a magazine rack when I see this month's issue of Alternative Press (the kids call it AP). I think I laughed out loud. The cover, in huge bold alien letters, states that the band of the year....is The Devil Wears Prada. Are...You...Fucking...Kidding me? Now, I am more than aware that AP is not the source for punk rock related news. In fact, no one should ever read that piece of shit drivel. It would serve you better to use it to train your dog to be housebroken. Even when they have an "old school" segment it's still contrived and ill informed. The few times I have had the displeasure of reading this trash I usually throw it down in disgust. Therefore it doesn't surprise me that they would pick that horrible band as the best of the year. Apparently AP has never heard of Ceremony or Paint it Black. However, I guess I should thank them for giving me something to rant about.
Now to make fun of their choice. This next segment will be a shit talking extravaganza. If that's not your thing then click the little "x" on the top of your screen. First of all, who the fuck names their band after a fucking Meryl Streep movie? Why don't you just call your band Mama Mia or Sophie's Choice? Wait Facedown records probably already signed a band like that. Secondly, I don't know for sure so excuse my ignorance if I'm wrong, but since when did screaming for Jesus become cool? It seems to me these days every band wants to be Underoath. Underoath, I am sorry to inform you all, might be the worst thing to happen to hardcore music since Minor Threat broke up. I never, ever, liked that band. When you can audibly hear a kid scream into a microphone about the hows and whys of Christianity, I'm sorry but that leaves me feeling dirty. These kids are like televangelists. That's not to say that religion has not shown up in hardcore music before. Bands like Bad Brains and 108 have very strong religiously motivated themes in their music. But there is a fundamental difference between what Underoath and their clones do and what the bands I just mentioned did and continue to do. The Bad Brains and 108 practice alternative religions. Rasta and Krishna are not exactly religions mom and dad would like you to be a part of. Plus, Bad Brains and 108 used these themes to talk about other things. Underoath just scream for jesus and swoosh their hair around. And they're not even original. Strongarm and Zao did what they do a long time ago, and despite my disagreement with their religious themes, did it better. I was at one of the outdoor "punk rock" (note how I put that in quotes) festivals and I had the displeasure of catching the end of Gwen Stacy's set. The guy singing actually said "jesus loves you" and was dead serious. I also found it ironic that kids were literally killing each other in the pit below him as he said that. What the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to be some missionary here to convert the heathen punk rock kids? Go fuck yourself. How about you leave Pat Robertson's (one of the biggest assholes in America) political agenda out of the punk rock scene. Punk rock should stay out of the church. Period. In fact, all music should. Why? Because Hardcore and punk rock was meant to be for everybody. These bands make it an exclusive thing. They are leaving out a ton of kids who maybe don't follow their religion (or any religion). I'm not saying that people shouldn't believe what they want. Not at all. Just keep it to yourself and off the stage. Now musically, these bands also suck tremendously. A breakdown every five seconds and the good cop/bad cop vocals I have grown to hate over the years. Not to mention the Iron Maiden guitar leads. I guess I can thank the success of Killswitch/Engage for that trend. I'm just happy that there are bands out there that actually play hardcore music and not this metal hybrid bullshit. It's almost now a parody of itself. These bands are like hair metal from the 80's. It's a dead subgenre, so fucking go away.
That will be all. I hope this was an adequate waste of your time.
Now to make fun of their choice. This next segment will be a shit talking extravaganza. If that's not your thing then click the little "x" on the top of your screen. First of all, who the fuck names their band after a fucking Meryl Streep movie? Why don't you just call your band Mama Mia or Sophie's Choice? Wait Facedown records probably already signed a band like that. Secondly, I don't know for sure so excuse my ignorance if I'm wrong, but since when did screaming for Jesus become cool? It seems to me these days every band wants to be Underoath. Underoath, I am sorry to inform you all, might be the worst thing to happen to hardcore music since Minor Threat broke up. I never, ever, liked that band. When you can audibly hear a kid scream into a microphone about the hows and whys of Christianity, I'm sorry but that leaves me feeling dirty. These kids are like televangelists. That's not to say that religion has not shown up in hardcore music before. Bands like Bad Brains and 108 have very strong religiously motivated themes in their music. But there is a fundamental difference between what Underoath and their clones do and what the bands I just mentioned did and continue to do. The Bad Brains and 108 practice alternative religions. Rasta and Krishna are not exactly religions mom and dad would like you to be a part of. Plus, Bad Brains and 108 used these themes to talk about other things. Underoath just scream for jesus and swoosh their hair around. And they're not even original. Strongarm and Zao did what they do a long time ago, and despite my disagreement with their religious themes, did it better. I was at one of the outdoor "punk rock" (note how I put that in quotes) festivals and I had the displeasure of catching the end of Gwen Stacy's set. The guy singing actually said "jesus loves you" and was dead serious. I also found it ironic that kids were literally killing each other in the pit below him as he said that. What the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to be some missionary here to convert the heathen punk rock kids? Go fuck yourself. How about you leave Pat Robertson's (one of the biggest assholes in America) political agenda out of the punk rock scene. Punk rock should stay out of the church. Period. In fact, all music should. Why? Because Hardcore and punk rock was meant to be for everybody. These bands make it an exclusive thing. They are leaving out a ton of kids who maybe don't follow their religion (or any religion). I'm not saying that people shouldn't believe what they want. Not at all. Just keep it to yourself and off the stage. Now musically, these bands also suck tremendously. A breakdown every five seconds and the good cop/bad cop vocals I have grown to hate over the years. Not to mention the Iron Maiden guitar leads. I guess I can thank the success of Killswitch/Engage for that trend. I'm just happy that there are bands out there that actually play hardcore music and not this metal hybrid bullshit. It's almost now a parody of itself. These bands are like hair metal from the 80's. It's a dead subgenre, so fucking go away.
That will be all. I hope this was an adequate waste of your time.
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