Thursday, January 7, 2010

An open letter to James Cameron

Dear James Cameron,

I want to start by saying that once, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a fan of your films. I think Aliens and the two Terminator films were beyond great. In fact, they are still some of my favorite movies. Even True Lies was a good time. Then for some ungodly reason I will never understand, you made Titanic and destroyed our relationship. I have never forgiven you for this atrocity. Then, to make matters worse you were nominated for like a billion Oscars for that giant 4 hour slice of brontosaurus shit. And even worse than that, you won. That not only shattered my view of you, but it shattered my faith that the Academy had any idea what the fuck they were doing when they picked movies to be the Best Picture of the year. Luckily for myself and other like minded people, you then took a long absence from making movies. You left the shitty movies for Michael Bay to direct, and direct them he did. When Avatar was announced, it seemed like you finally came to your senses and realized where your bread was buttered. I saw robots, shit blowing up, but those first trailers gave me nothing as far as plot. From what I could tell, a Sci-Fi extravaganza was coming. As the trailers mounted, and hype grew, it then became apparent that you actually didn't return to your former greatness at all. Instead, it looked like you filmed some kid playing Halo for 4 hours. Well, I finally saw this thing you call Avatar, and I ask you this Mr. Cameron. WHY? You remember when science fiction films had...actors? Real sets? Instead we get this CGI blue screen/green screen shitshow that was very close to 3 hours in length. Did you and George Lucas plot to destroy science fiction or is that just a coincidence? It seems like you guys hang out. I mean you have what seems to me to be the Jar Jar Binks alien things versus the George W. Bush run American military. That's about the extent of the plot. Your movie is like Dances with Wolves had a baby with Star Wars Episode I, and then had a torrid affair with the Lion King, who in turn spawned an illegitimate Braveheart child. What the hell were you on when you wrote this movie? The humans are looking for, what was it called again? Unobtanium? Unobtanium?!?!?! That was the best you could come up with? You have this entire movie hinging on humanity's need to mine a fake mineral called...Unobtanium. Wow. That is some creative shit right there. Oh that's right, the plot and the characters played only a minor role in your attempt to revolutionize film. What the fuck kind of revolution did you think you'd start? Pretentious much? I for one hate CGI and think instead of being imaginative your movie ended up being a computer generated ode to mediocrity. Now by no means was this the worst movie I have ever seen. I've seen much worse, believe me. I did mention Michael Bay right? However, when I'm laughing at the cliched "emotional" parts of the film, where my heart strings are supposed to be tugged, when I'm supposed to sympathize with the heroes of the film and hate the evil bad guys, there is something definitely wrong. Like really every major plot event I saw coming one hour into the film. You could have shaved off at least an hour and a half from this steaming pile of self indulgence. I would've been much kinder to you then, believe me. The only thing that would have made this thing worse would be Celine Dion singing at the end credits. I was almost disappointed you thought better of it. Thankfully, you did cast Sigourney Weaver in the movie. And she was predictably great. I just was wishing an alien would pop out of the main characters chest so she could say "Stay away from her you BITCH".

Mr. Cameron I would like to now take the opportunity to ask a favor of you. Just...fucking...stop making movies. Really. No mas. Gigantic swing and a miss. When the inevitable sequel comes, I think I'll stay home and watch Casablanca or The Godfather. You know, a film with a plot that Walt Disney didn't write in 1940.

Rag Rants blog


  1. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wants nothing to do with Avatar, but I definitely don't agree with your whole Titanic theory. The end of Titanic was a bit drawn out, but in all, you don't even realize you're sitting there for nearly 3 hours. Everything was great from the cast, to the directing, to the dialogue, the set (everything was replicated), blah, blah, blah. Not only that, but how can you be surprised it won Picture of the Year? The other nominees were As Good As It Gets, Good Will Hunting, L.A. Confidential and The Full Monty. HELLO!

  2. You need to learn how to format paragraphs.