So for a few days I have been struggling with what I'm gonna write here. I love wasting your time dear readers, so I wanted it to be something stupid, ridiculous, and completely useless. Today I happened to be perusing a magazine rack when I see this month's issue of Alternative Press (the kids call it AP). I think I laughed out loud. The cover, in huge bold alien letters, states that the band of the year....is The Devil Wears Prada. Are...You...Fucking...Kidding me? Now, I am more than aware that AP is not the source for punk rock related news. In fact, no one should ever read that piece of shit drivel. It would serve you better to use it to train your dog to be housebroken. Even when they have an "old school" segment it's still contrived and ill informed. The few times I have had the displeasure of reading this trash I usually throw it down in disgust. Therefore it doesn't surprise me that they would pick that horrible band as the best of the year. Apparently AP has never heard of Ceremony or Paint it Black. However, I guess I should thank them for giving me something to rant about.
Now to make fun of their choice. This next segment will be a shit talking extravaganza. If that's not your thing then click the little "x" on the top of your screen. First of all, who the fuck names their band after a fucking Meryl Streep movie? Why don't you just call your band Mama Mia or Sophie's Choice? Wait Facedown records probably already signed a band like that. Secondly, I don't know for sure so excuse my ignorance if I'm wrong, but since when did screaming for Jesus become cool? It seems to me these days every band wants to be Underoath. Underoath, I am sorry to inform you all, might be the worst thing to happen to hardcore music since Minor Threat broke up. I never, ever, liked that band. When you can audibly hear a kid scream into a microphone about the hows and whys of Christianity, I'm sorry but that leaves me feeling dirty. These kids are like televangelists. That's not to say that religion has not shown up in hardcore music before. Bands like Bad Brains and 108 have very strong religiously motivated themes in their music. But there is a fundamental difference between what Underoath and their clones do and what the bands I just mentioned did and continue to do. The Bad Brains and 108 practice alternative religions. Rasta and Krishna are not exactly religions mom and dad would like you to be a part of. Plus, Bad Brains and 108 used these themes to talk about other things. Underoath just scream for jesus and swoosh their hair around. And they're not even original. Strongarm and Zao did what they do a long time ago, and despite my disagreement with their religious themes, did it better. I was at one of the outdoor "punk rock" (note how I put that in quotes) festivals and I had the displeasure of catching the end of Gwen Stacy's set. The guy singing actually said "jesus loves you" and was dead serious. I also found it ironic that kids were literally killing each other in the pit below him as he said that. What the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to be some missionary here to convert the heathen punk rock kids? Go fuck yourself. How about you leave Pat Robertson's (one of the biggest assholes in America) political agenda out of the punk rock scene. Punk rock should stay out of the church. Period. In fact, all music should. Why? Because Hardcore and punk rock was meant to be for everybody. These bands make it an exclusive thing. They are leaving out a ton of kids who maybe don't follow their religion (or any religion). I'm not saying that people shouldn't believe what they want. Not at all. Just keep it to yourself and off the stage. Now musically, these bands also suck tremendously. A breakdown every five seconds and the good cop/bad cop vocals I have grown to hate over the years. Not to mention the Iron Maiden guitar leads. I guess I can thank the success of Killswitch/Engage for that trend. I'm just happy that there are bands out there that actually play hardcore music and not this metal hybrid bullshit. It's almost now a parody of itself. These bands are like hair metal from the 80's. It's a dead subgenre, so fucking go away.
That will be all. I hope this was an adequate waste of your time.