Monday, January 25, 2010

Jersey Shore postmortem

Well, the unholy abomination that was MTV's "Jersey Shore" came to its ridiculous conclusion Thursday night to much Facebook fanfare. There are literally thousands of more important things I could use this space for, but fuck it I prefer to be ridiculous. Now as the show went on, and the scenarios became more insane, writers on all sides of the print and internet media wrote in depth articles trying to figure out why the fuck America watched this shit. In fact, I read quite a few well intentioned articles about how the show is actually showing how gender roles have changed in America. Their evidence came from the show, as the guys in the house dressed up and over gelled their hair everyday, and the women looked homeless in sweatpants. The guys cooked, the ladies sat on their asses, and so on. They go on to say that basically the show was some sort of "feminist triumph" (I'm not quoting I'm paraphrasing) or something. Are you fucking kidding me? I highly doubt that anyone who watched the show thought into it that deep. America didn't sit and wonder about the sociological significance of the characters' actions. No. They watched because the commercials showed some behemoth with Dragonball-Z hair decapitate some drunk guy with one punch. They watched because Snooki was half senile at 22 years of age. Three year olds have better developed brain matter. They watched because some guy actually had the balls to call himself "The Situation" without any hint of irony. Not like he's aware of the term irony anyway. What's more, everyone in the house called him that as well. They watched because they saw slightly hefty ladies punch each other. By slightly hefty I mean Buffalo extras from "Dances with Wolves". They watched because they wanted to see some asshole punch Snooki, and then didn't get to see it. They watched because they couldn't believe people were actually like that. They hated themselves for watching but couldn't turn it off. They watched for the same reason they slow down when they see a car on fire on the highway. Everyone loves to see a train wreck.

If there is anything of substance to be taken from the show, it was showing those who live outside of the tri-state area a glimpse of the type of douchebag we have here. It was like a National Geographic special that was on for a month. The douchebag in the wild, in their natural habitat if you will. We saw them in their bizarre mating rituals, where they'd go to the same club and then wonder why the same girls kept stalking them on a boardwalk . These rituals include the need to apparently cut their hair every other day, go tanning in the summer when there's a fucking beach right in front of their house, and work out (or steroids). We saw their drinking habits, which usually lead to fighting. We saw bizarre tribal dances (which go with their tattoos) that made no sense to them much less the average person. And we also saw what would happen if certain aspects of our culture didn't exist. Like books for instance.

Now why did I watch this? Because it was fucking funny. There was no other reason. If I wanted to see morons with blowouts I would've gone to the Newburgh waterfront. This was way cheaper than that. These people do exist, and I'm positive they act just like that. They get drunk and fight anyone who looks at them wrong. They fuck around. They look stupid. They have shiny t shirts with stupid logos on them that they paid $78 for. Every moment of the show was hilarious. Every fight, every goat "The Situation" brought home, every time Snooki spoke, the UFC spinning back fist, every kid who started with them at the bar because they looked like dbags, pretty much anything that happened. My favorite for obvious reasons was the Israeli stalker girl. There will not be a better example of culture clash seen on television this year I assure you. That kid had no idea what the fuck he was in for and I thought it was great.

So "Jersey Shore" is now over. And now my trash TV fix will have to come from elsewhere. Until "Jersey Shore" 2, or Bret Michael's Bang Bus Volume 2, or Flava of Love 18, or some other terrible thing that makes most people vomit. I will be there. Why? Because I am not them. I am not an aging cock rocker that never should have had a record deal in the first place. I am not an aging rapper with Hepatitis. And I am not some dbag with a blowout, a spray tan, shiny pressed t shirts, a steroid problem (and the rage that accompanies it), and a pickle addiction. Therefore, these horrid abominations make me feel better about my life. And that, I think, is why America loves this shit.

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